remebering that day,the first feeling of fear hit me when i passed the cemetry on my way to mums,i saw a dad flower arrangment and i felt a jolt hit me pure fear,it felt like it took hours to get there when i saw the paramedic at the door that was when i felt sick i knew you was bad if you didnt open the door to let him in,i called through the letterbox and nothing i went round the back knocking and trying to get to see inside and still nothing,i should have smashed my way in,you could have just been lying there trying to talk to me but i didnt hear you,i should have smashed the window,i may have been able to save you in time,one of the things i regret is not doing it,not smashing the window to get in,waiting for ages for the police to get there took forever, after about 20mins we finally got in,you was laying face down on the floor between the table and the sofa,you had been passed out down there before i thought you was just unconcience,they pulled the table back and turned you over and started cutting your top off , they never did that before, the policeman took me out as they started working on you,after a few mins i said is she ok, he wouldnt tell me i said please just let me know if shes ok,then he said your heart has stopped and you was not responding,that was when i knew you had gone,i was crying outside for a few mins then anna started coming down the path she saw i was crying and that was when she knew her face changed like mine,shes never looked the same since then,the light in her eyes was gone, they wouldnt let us go into see you yet but anna was crying and begging the policeman to let her in and he wouldnt, we stayed outside crying for what seemed like forever,i called my brother and sister and told them ,no matter how much we all knew you was sick and knew you wouldnt be here forever it didnt change anything it broke our hearts that day your 62nd birthday,after a while they let us in there me and anna sat on the floor with you,i kept waiting and saying your name but you wouldnt wake up we held your hand and stroked your hair and hugged you,you was warm you looked like you was sleeping,but you wouldnt wake up we sat there for about an hour maybe two answering the questions the police were asking,the coronor came then and we was told we have to wait now to see you till they had done what they needed to do, i dont remember the rest of that day really i just felt so different my face was burning from crying so much i just felt so heartbroken it was your birthday,the days that followed were just as hard,we had tho clear out your bungalow looking at everything you saved and treasured for years,and for what,nothing, we got to see you in the chapel of rest a horrid place i can still feel the coldness and the smell of it,you looked different now,and cold stll looking like your just sleeping,it was hard for us all to see you like that,but we carried on doing what we had to do,you went to the funeral home and we started arranging the funeral and all that needed to be done, it was tough we held it together as much as we could,you would have been proud mum we all just come together for each other,when i was making the cd for the father at the church 2 songs started to play mixing with each other,it had never done this before and nver done it since..the songs were, mama...and be strong..i hope that was you.i had to go and keep seeing you just stroking your hair,or holding your little finger,it was still so strange,i made the mistake in trying to straighten your clothes up,i saw the cuts from the autopsy,another image that wont leave my head,still a smell i always smell and the coldness,i didnt get why you wouldnt just wake up,like you told us many of times we got them to put you in your pjs and slippers with your pink fleece top that you always wore you loved them fleeces you had them in all colours,the last day the day,the day of your funeral i went to see you,it killed me to know i wouldnt see you again,we even put your phone in your hand,and many things to keep a little of us with you.to see people i hadnt seen for years was hard,you know that day i didnt get one cuddle from anyone,nobody a family full of strangers,i needed a hug that day i felt so alone,looking around for any sign of you,being with us,uno like they say,i chose my song goodbyes the saddest word,i loved it. i put it on cd i made for you so i know you adored it too,anna chose where you are,perfect song too.mick was flying without wings,and sharon tears in heaven,it was a hard day saying goodbye to you knowing that was it you were really gone i think a part of all of us went with you that day,its christmas next week that was 6 months ago and i actually think im hurting more now,you havent come to me i thought you would but no. i dont feel it,so its all lies about life after death you would be here at least with anna, if you could i know it.its the 3rd of jan 2011 we had our first xmas ever without our mother,i cant seem to get on with life properly i dont feel anything but hurt and pain and so heartbroken,i miss you so much spending so much time alone gives you too much time to think,i wish i told you that i loved you ,i know we did say it a few times a day you wouldnt hang the phone up without saying i love you,and us saying it back,i wish id held you more,you are my mum and i left there there to die alone,i should have moved in with you i should have done so much i will never forgive myself mum for that. never!, i think of you so many times a day forgeting most times your not here anymore,thinking you would like this or that thinkin i needed to call you,i do still call and text you,stupid i know but i dont care.cant handle you not being here like you have been all my life, its june the first now,it will be a year in 6 days your 63rd birthday,the day where we would celebrate is now the day i hate,time is not made it any easyier it hurts more than ever.telling yourself to stop thinking about your mother.because the pain is so bad.you went through so much,you were so poorly so brave and strong. im glad your not being ill anymore. but mum i miss you,i want you back so badly,why cant you just come home,and go shopping on your scooter,and sit and laugh with us?why does it have to be like this?its killing me, im just empty,its just killing me,i keep trying to remember the good times,and the image of you laying there just keeps coming back.waiting to see if you were ok.mum i miss u,i keep freaking out that you are awake under there.and you cant get out.knowin thats where you are,id dig it up to get you and bring you home if i wasnt so scared of what id find.i cant bare u being there,that your under the ground,god i no why you were so bad when nannie and grandad died now,im sorry for sayin its ok they are watching over u and stuff cuz i now know its not true,i just hated seein you hurting and cryin for them,but i get it now,i get it all now,il be with you soon mum either way it kills me that i wont get to be with you, cause they are plots for your sisters,we wont even be layed to rest together,but im glad your with your mum and dad,i wouldnt be selfish enough to change that,but i will miss you near me,even though i wont know but i will,